Week 16

Quiet time leads to introspection. I’ve had more of a thinking week than a doing week, so bear with me as I share some thoughts.

It also just occurred to me that Lessons would be a better word to use as a heading than Learnings. It seems obvious, but I’ve had a few other things on my mind.

Challenges

People often tell me that I’m living their dream. Fair enough, because I’m living my own dream, too. The thing about a dream is – you wake up from it. My biggest challenge this week was of the emotional/psychological/spiritual variety.

I’m great at reframing situations from negative to positive. It’s a healthy coping mechanism and usually my default reaction. But there are times when it steers me away from something that needs to be addressed.

It’s important to sit with discomfort or pain. The challenge is in knowing when to push through and when to just feel. More often than not, I realize that I’ve been reframing too much when I wake up in the middle of the night full of doubt. It happened a few times this week.

What am I doing here?! The old existential dread reared its head, accompanied by a racing heart. I tried to reframe by reminding myself that I would likely ask the same question if I was still in Toronto. But I quickly knew that this was something I had to consciously sit with.

In spite of the fact that I have to be dragged, shoved or forced into this kind of challenge, I actually love it. When I have the courage to stare straight at my feelings of fear, doubt, inadequacy, etc, I feel myself getting stronger and more confident.

Sitting with the feels doesn’t usually produce a defined answer. But here’s what I know – I’m a person of faith. My faith doesn’t look like the religion I grew up with. It’s more nebulous now – more wide reaching. I have faith in a higher power and in a higher purpose. I have faith in my own wisdom and strength and in the process that brought me here. I have faith that my story is weaving across the loom exactly as it should – because of, or in spite of, the decisions I make.

I’m not leaving France. I return, instead, to a quote that has been a guiding force for me.

“Instead of working hard to try and figure out your purpose, I invite you to surrender to its unfolding. You don’t have to know it all today. You don’t have to marry yourself to an outcome. If you want to work on something, I invite you to work on noticing what lights you up and allow it to lead the way.” Mara Glatzel

Challenge accepted.

Lessons

There is a lot to learn about the medical system in France and I’m making mistakes. When I arrived at the radiology lab last week for my long-awaited knee scan, I didn’t have the original requisition with me. Since they had scanned it when I went to make the appointment, I assumed I didn’t need it. I was wrong and they wouldn’t see me. My next try at this is on December 18.

I left the lab and let loose a few choice words from the salty language dictionary, English version. For the first time, I gave thought to throwing in the towel on this great adventure.

The message I’ve heard, many times over, is that the patient in France is in charge of their health care. In some ways, it’s like that in Canada, too, but not nearly to this extent. I’ve always been proactive about my health and, in theory, I like the idea of being in charge. But I’ve also often wondered about people who don’t have the capacity to do so, for whatever reason. It appears, for the moment, that that’s me.

I have no doubt that I will figure it out in time. For now, I know that I need to have all paperwork with me for my appointments.

Lesson learned.

Joys

Photo Club

I attended my first meeting of the Pézenas photo club this week. It was a small group – just 8 people – and I was the only non-French person there. It was exactly what I was looking for!

People shared their photos on the evening’s theme and we discussed composition, focus, light, etc. By we, I mean everyone but me. I understood about 10% of what was said, but it was perfect – it gives me a starting point.

I’m excited to go back on Monday. The theme is ‘one colour’ – here are two of the photos I’ll present:

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Good beer and good times

I had another great week of socializing. I met with a fellow Canadian who visited a country I hope to visit next year and got some tips from her. I spent an hour practicing my French with a woman from Paris who was in Pézenas for a visit. And I made some new friends!

One of my concerns about moving here was that I would be lonely. I don’t think I’ve ever felt less lonely! And while I find joy in connecting with others, I also find great joy in solitude. I might just have found the perfect combination.

My blog feels disjointed today, but here it is. I could spend more time questioning, editing, reworking it – or I could head out to the Saturday market. I know what you would choose!

À bientôt .