Week 38

Brace yourself – I’ve had an introspective week.

I moved to France just a month after I wrapped up my career. I’ve been so preoccupied with the process and the change, my shift into retirement has felt more gradual than I expected.

Nine months later, as I continue to check off items from my ‘settle in France’ to-do list, I’m finding more room for contemplation. I’ve started to think about what retirement means for me – beyond just moving to France, that is.

In this week’s blog, I share some ideas on where I’m at – more questions than answers, really. I also share some photos from one of my walks and one of my favourite Bruce Cockburn songs.

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Shifting into retirement

Some of you have already heard this story. When I was a kid, I had one answer to the question, ‘what do you want to be when you grow up?’ This was when gendered roles were the norm – boys often said they wanted to be firemen or policemen, girls wanted to be teachers or nurses.

I wanted to be a hermit. I wanted to live in the woods, eat roots and berries and write poetry.

I entered the workforce when I was 15 years old. For the next 46 years – apart from one brief, disastrous attempt at self-employment – I was an employee in one form or another. I worked in both the private and the public sector, corporate worlds which meant working within a hierarchy and conforming to standards and codes of conduct. It meant ‘playing the game’ – or trying to, anyway.

I’m grateful for the more than 4 decades of employment that brought me to where I am today. At the same time, I’m aware that forcing myself into the mould of the employee went against my nature. Nothing could be more different from the life of a hermit!

This week, I found myself asking the heavy questions. Why am I here? Here in Pézenas. Here in France. Here in this life. Do I have an unfulfilled purpose or is that grandiose thinking? What do I want to do with the rest of my life?

Here’s what I do know: Who I am, quirks and all, is no longer constrained by corporate culture. I have the freedom to dream and play and embrace my creativity in a way I haven’t since I was a child. The kid who wanted to write poetry is still here. And, while I’ve learned to love connection, so is the socially awkward kid who craved solitude. I pay close attention to her needs now. I’m discovering the great freedom in no longer having to play a part.

The rest of it remains to be seen and I’m as excited to explore my inner world as I am to explore the world around me.

I return, again, to a quote that I love so much. “Instead of working hard to try and figure out your purpose, I invite you to surrender to its unfolding. You don’t have to know it all today. You don’t have to marry yourself to an outcome. If you want to work on something, I invite you to work on noticing what lights you up and allow it to lead the way.” Mara Glatzel

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A meditative path

I lived in downtown Toronto for 15 years. I loved my neighbourhood and the vibrancy of the city, but I also craved nature. As I started to settle here in Pezenas, I searched for places to walk that would take me out of town.

This week, I discovered a woodsy path. Each day, I walked along the trail and listened to podcasts that were spiritually nourishing – an act that was both meditative and inspiring.

Then I realised I needed to get out of my head so I left my phone behind and took my camera instead. I walked slowly and turned my focus outward.

Here are a few photos I took on my walk.

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I love the wild poppies against the green landscape. The little splashes of red feel like punctuation marks of joy.

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I’ve been sneezing a lot this week but I still find these balls of fluff beautiful. The one in the second picture, now dispersed I imagine, was bigger than my fist.

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When I got out of my head, I started to notice tiny pops of colour and even tinier creatures.

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Song of the week

Bruce Cockburn’s song, One Day I Walk, ran through my head this week.

One day I walk in flowers
One day I walk on stones
Today I walk in hours
One day I shall be home

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That’s enough introspection for now! I have some fun activities planned for this week, starting today with the town’s attempt to take a photo of a record-breaking number of people wearing sailor shirts. Ah Pézenas, you never fail to amuse. Photos next week!

À bientôt .